monkey

Things Monkeys Like: Not White People

Posted on September 18, 2008

Overheard: Why aren’t there any monkeys here?

Map of Monkeys:

• Pink = White People
• Orange = New World Monkeys
• Red = Old World Monkeys

You will notice that there is a suspicious lack of monkeys in the high White People areas. I endeavor to answer why.

I went out into the Interweb to find pictures of how monkeys react to various people and substances.

Monkey + Monkey = Fist-Fight

Monkeys, like sorority girls, will start wresting if you throw them in a pool.

Monkey + brown kid = Hugging

Obviously these two had some issues but the monkey at least looks happy. Apparently monkeys make bad baby sitters. They also make bad role models; unless your biggest goal in life is to live someplace warm and sunny while you eat fruit all day. On second thought that sounds nice if you throw in a drink. Monkeys make great role models.

Monkey + White Person = Biting

See. No one in this picture looks happy. This obviously malnourished simian has resorted to semi-cannibalism to solve his problems.

Monkey + Expensive Sandwich = Death

This monkey was killed by eating an expensive sandwich, #63 from StuffWhitePeopleLike.com.

Monkey + 11 minutes of NPR = Death

Eleven minutes listening to public radio, #44 from SWPL, this monkey fell off a porch. Even more proof that monkeys might not like White People.

Monkey + Booze = Hilarious

Wait. That looks like a Zima. And this monkey is still alive and relatively happy. I am going to ask Official Zima Monkey and Certified White Person Martin Bowling why he thinks that monkeys and White People don’t live in the same places:

You know I too wonder about the Caucasian to monkey ratio. Maybe cause we’re such assholes?

So there you have it the only thing that White People and Monkeys agree on is Zima.

No monkeys were harmed in the making of this blog.

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